Funny The official joke thread

Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology:

Artery: The study of paintings

Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria

Barium: What they do when patients die

Benign: What you be after you be ten

Caesarean section: A wealthy neighborhood

Cat scan: Searching for Kitty

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

Colic: A sheep dog

Coma: A punctuation mark

Dilate: To live long

Enema: Opposite of friend

Fester: Quicker than someone else

Fibula: A white lie

Impotent: Rich and famous

Labor pain: Got hurt at work

Medical staff: A doctor’s cane

Morbid: A higher offer

Nitrates: Higher pay for working at night

Node: I knew that

Outpatient: They is unconscious

Pelvis: Elvis’ second cousin

Post-operative: A letter carrier

Recovery room: Where they do upholstery

Rectum: Nearly killed him

Secretion: Hiding something

Seizure: A kind of salad

Tablet: A small table

Terminal illness: Sick at the airport

Tumor: One plus one more

Urine: Opposite of ureout
 
two adults discuss:
Man: If I knew that you are still a virgin I would be more gentle....
Woman: If I knew that you want to fuck, I would put down my pantyhose
 
[FONT=&quot]I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"[/FONT]
 
As a band of squirrels had become quite a problem, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

 
Two sperm are swimming along, one says to the other "how much longer till we get to the eggs?" The other says, "be patient, we are just now passing the tonsils"
 
Covid-19 humor:

How long is this social distancing supposed to last? My wife keeps trying to come in the house.


Corona-free man seeks Corona-free lady with toilet paper. Send pictures of toilet paper.


Notice how the media is saying how many males and females are getting the virus? Amazing how the other 57 genders aren't getting it.


I was at the bank this morning and two people came in with masks. We all freaked. Then they said it was a robbery. We all calmed down.
 
Last edited:
The latest on COVID-19 response from England and the rest of Europe:


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.




 
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'

 
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"





 
A woman wakes up to the sound of breaking glass and tries to wake her husband ( passed out from drinking scotch ), then a
she hears footsteps coming towards bedroom and the door burst open
Winnie recognizes Donny and tells him you should have a mask on and he says I'm not worried about corona virus
 
Harrison Ford on what he would like to hear from GOD if there is a heaven , upon arriving at the pearly gates : You are much better looking in person .
 
A man walks into a pub.
“What’ll you have?”
“Three pints, please.”
The bartender brings three pints.
The man proceeds to alternately sip from one pint, then the other, then the third, until they’re gone, and then orders three more.
“Sir, there's no need to order three at a time. I can bring you one, and when it gets low I’ll bring you a fresh one.”
“You don’t understand. Both of my brothers are living in different countries, and we made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three pints as well, and we’re drinking together.”
"What a wonderful tradition."

Every Saturday evening the man came in and ordered three pints.
Then one Saturday evening the man came in and ordered only two. He alternately sipped from one and then the other in his usual way, and then ordered two more.
The bartender brings the two pints and then says, “I’d just like to say that I’m very sorry that one of your brothers has passed.”
“Oh, my brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”
 
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES".
 
A guy walks into a bar...


"What can I get for you?"

"I'll have a 9/11 cocktail."

"I'm not sure I know that one. What's a 9/11 cocktail?"

"A Manhattan with two Kamikazes."
 
Back
Top