Funny The official joke thread

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[TD]A Perfect Husband


Several men are in a golf club locker room.

A cellular phone on a bench rings.

A man engages the hands-free function and answers, “Hello?”

Everyone else stops to listen:

"Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"I'm at the shops, and I found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000, is it OK if I buy it?"

"Sure. Go ahead, if you like it that much."

"I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw a new model that really like."

"How much?"

"$90,000."

"OK. But for that price, I want it with all the options."

"Great! Oh, and one more thing. I just heard from Janie that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000."

"Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty if it's what you really want."

"OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

"Bye! I love you, too."

With everyone in the room staring at him in wide-eyed astonishment, he ends the call and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?”[/TD]
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Little bird humor . . .

Get in the cage Barbi.

15 sec

Please , get in THE cage . . .

45 sec . . .

GET IN THE FUCKING CAGE ! !
 
NEWS FROM THE YEAR 2059:

-Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest Country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

-White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the third language.

-Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock.

-Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

-Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

-Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

-France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

-Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

-George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.

-Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

-Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

-85-year $758 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

-Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

-Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

-Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.

-Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

-Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

-Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

-A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony. They had simultaneous Headaches.

-Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children.

-New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060

-IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

-Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
 
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."


The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.


She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"


"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"


"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."


The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."


"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"


"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
 
[FONT=&quot]..............................^...........................^...........................^............................^.................................^...............................^
Mertzon, Texas is located at - [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]31° 14′ 97″ N, 100° 49′ 9″ W[/FONT][FONT=&quot]


[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The real answer is that it is an incorrect coordinate. The 14.97 is what makes it incorrect. the joke state 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes of latitude, but coordinates are given in degrees, minutes and seconds, and you can't have more than 59 seconds without adding another minute. That is why the first answers changed it to 15 minutes, 37 seconds, which is a reasonable interpretation, but the writer may have meant 97 hundredths of a minute.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The truth is there is no real way to know because the coordinates were simply written incorrectly. { republican thang }[/FONT]:hmm:[FONT=&quot]

[ similar to when the Union Army took over JFK Airport during Civil War ] - { republican thang }[/FONT]
:rolleyes:[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]


[/FONT]
 
In your mind picture an unhappy (hen)chicken.
At same time picture an egg with a big grin (smoking a cigarette)

Finally . . . A caption "Well, that answers that question #n@<;>~¥


( egg came first )
 
I bought a really bad thesaurus the other day. Not only is it terrible, it's also terrible.

I bought a dictionary and took it home, upon opening it I realized all of the pages were blank. I have no words for how angry I am.
 
MoparMike aced it for a "belly laugh" , it still gets me ! How about you ?

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.

"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
 
Once , when my boys were little , the power went out.

My oldest says; At least we've got the microwave ( hot pockets ).
My youngest looked at me increduously and him and I broke out laughing :LOL:
 
How do you complement a Lakota woman ?





Nice tooth !

A young man and his father are standing on a hillside overlooking a valley and his father waves his arm and says: someday , all of this won't be yours.
 
Ex ~ Prez Bill Clinton called Donald and said I will always be remembered as " the guy who banged an intern " , how is that ? {" Luck of the Irish "}
 
My boss {25 yr ago} taught his daughter a game to humor himself and others who visited.

He would say: Jump and she would say: How high ?

He would say : Shit and she would say : what color ?

Did not make momma happy
 
Right out of
high school , I worked making containers/boxes and George , my boss needed to renew his driver's license .
As he was walking into Sec of State to do so . . . He took visual of vehicle/noted particulars.

When the lady checked his peripheral vision he didn't say anything until it was almost behind him . . . Which made her ask: You can see that ? [ to which he explained to her , yes ( described car behind him ) ]
LOL ROFL
 
The one about the woman who never consumated her marriage ?

The first time was a muslim and against his faith

The second time she married a republican and he just sat on the bed and told her how good it was going to be
 
Nurse: "There's a man in the waiting room who says he's invisible."

Doctor: "Tell him I can't see him today."
 
Doctor sends nurse into patient's room for a procedure.

Patient runs out of room screaming bloody murder.

Doctor says "I told you to prick his boyle not boil his prick!"
 
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