Funny The official joke thread

BigAl205

HMFIC
Staff member
Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."
 
OK, so a single woman, 6 months pregnant with twins, has a horrific car accident, which lands her in the hospital in a coma for 6 months.........when she awakens, her hands go straight to her now empty belly.....oh no, she cries as the events replay in her head. Her nurse comes running in to console her, don't worry, the nurse tells her you have two beautiful babies, a girl, and a boy. Tells her the birth went off without a hitch......the woman, now relieved, asked where are my babies? The nurse says don't worry, your brother brings them by everyday, to check on you........she moans, not my brother......he's an idiot. The nurse laughed, and said they seem to be in good hands....... he even named them......the woman rolled her eyes, and asked.....what did he name them?......the nurse responds, well the little girl.....Denise....the woman breathed a sigh of relief, thinking, that's not so bad........then she asked, and the boy? The nurse hesitated.......then told her........da nephew.........
 
Haha, llama.....how bout this.....If a man speaks his opinion, and his wife is not there to correct him......is he still wrong?
 
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.



The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?




Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.




One student, however, wrote the following:




First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.




Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.




This gives two possibilities:




1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.




2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.




So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.



Sent from my Springfield XD with love!
 
A man comes home in the middle of the night with a bit too much noise.

He staggers into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

He says rather loudly, this is the pig I'm sleeping with !

His wife calmly says: That's not a pig, it's a sheep.

He says: Shut up, I wasn't talking to you !
 
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A man comes home in the middle of the night with a bit too much noise.

He staggers into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

He says rather loudly, this is the pig I'm sleeping with !

His wife calmly says: That's not a pig, it's a sheep.

He says: Shut up, I wasn't talking to you !

Brilliant! lol


A lady went to a pet shop and saw a large beautiful parrot. The sign on the cage said £50.00, "why so cheap?" she asked the owner. The owner looked at her and said, "look I should tell you this bird lived in a house of prostitution, and some times it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this but decided to buy it anyway. She took the bird home and hung it in the living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked at her and said "new house new madam." The lady was a little shocked at the implication, but thought "that's not really to bad" When her two daughters came home from school the bird saw them and said "new house new madam new girls." The woman and girls were a little offended but laughed it of considering were the parrot had been raised.
Moments later the woman's husband Keith came home from work the bird looked at him and said
"New house new madam new girls Hi Keith"
 
So a man walks into a brothel. He's a little down on his luck and only has $5. He asks the woman at the front desk, "So what can I get with this?" and hands her the $5. She takes the money and says, "Second door on the left." The man goes to the room and sees a chicken on the bed. He's confused and searches the room for a woman. He fails to do so and looks at the chicken. "Well, I guess it's better than nothing." He proceeds to have sex with the chicken. Turns out it was the best he's ever had.
A week later he comes back with $1. "So, uhh, what can I get for this?" The woman at the front desk says, "First room on the left." He walks into the room and sees a bunch of guys crowded around a hole in the wall. He gets a chance to peek through and sees two sexy lesbians getting it on. "Man, they're really going at it," he says, "This is pretty crazy." One guy from the crowd says, "Oh that's nothing. You should have been here last week, there was a dude fucking a chicken."
 
Barnum & Bailey was transferring the circus from one town to another. The elephants were connected trunk to tail. They came along a railroad crossing and as the elephants were halfway across the tracks, a train came along and killed two of them.
Shortly thereafter, B&M Railroad received an invoice from Barnum and Bailey for $10,000. B&M immediately called Barnum & Bailey and requested an explanation for the charge, writing, "What is the cost of a new elephant?"
Barnum & Bailey responded, "$1,000 each."
B&M responded, "But, we only killed two of them!"
Barnum & Bailey said, "Yes, but you pulled the assholes out of eight others."
 
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"
"DO IT!", he commands, so the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples, the man rips off his ski mask to reveal it's her husband...who then exclaims, "Now was that so hard?!"
 
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abrasions and abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, you're getting herpes - that's why I am here!"
 
A traveling salesman trying to make a buck was driving through the plains of Nebraska when he decided to stop at a farmhouse coming up on his left.
As he was walking up the driveway toward the front door of the house, a pig with three legs caught his eye. It was just hobbling through the grass.
When the farmer answered the door and asked what he was selling, the salesman first asked about the three legged pig.
"That pig is the most amazing pig in the land, son." The farmer said
"Last year, our house caught fire when we were all asleep and that pig ran in and woke us all up one by one and saved our lives!"
The salesman was surprised. "That is one special pig" He said.
The Farmer replied, "That's not all. Last summer, that pig jumped into the pond and dragged my drowning son to safety. He would have died."
The salesman was in disbelief as to how incredible this pig was. "One question. Why does he have 3 legs, is it from the fire?" He asked
"No son, ya see, a pig like that you just don't eat all at one time."
 
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The
bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh hail no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get a boner, I also get a headache."



:doh:
 
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