Funny The official joke thread
- Thread starter BigAl205
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Truthunter
Noob
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of the season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "The're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates too."
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties...
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The Irishman replied, "These are Carol's!"
"In honor of the season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "The're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates too."
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties...
Saint Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The Irishman replied, "These are Carol's!"
A little boy answers the phone when a 911 operator calls.
She asks if his mother is there , to which he replies yes .
She asks if he would put her on , he replies ; she's busy.
The operator then asks if his father is there and the boy says : yes.
She asks if he can put him on and he tells her no. She asks why not? He replies , he's busy.
Getting quite frustrated at this point , she asks is anyone else there ? To which he replies , the police .
She asks may I talk to them ? He replies no , their busy. She finally asks him , doing what ?
To which he replies . . . Looking for Me !
She asks if his mother is there , to which he replies yes .
She asks if he would put her on , he replies ; she's busy.
The operator then asks if his father is there and the boy says : yes.
She asks if he can put him on and he tells her no. She asks why not? He replies , he's busy.
Getting quite frustrated at this point , she asks is anyone else there ? To which he replies , the police .
She asks may I talk to them ? He replies no , their busy. She finally asks him , doing what ?
To which he replies . . . Looking for Me !
It`s oft been said : In Texas, all there are is queers and steers.
Hence, the story recounted here
A guy walks into a saloon knocking the dust off his jeans with a Stetson! He saunters upto the bar and plops down on a stool, and the bartender says : Howdy, what`ll y`all have partner ?
To which the hombre replies : I`m so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off a steers ball`s , I`ll have a pitcher of whatever you have on tap!
From back in the corner, you hear. . . Moo Moo Buckaroo
Hence, the story recounted here
A guy walks into a saloon knocking the dust off his jeans with a Stetson! He saunters upto the bar and plops down on a stool, and the bartender says : Howdy, what`ll y`all have partner ?
To which the hombre replies : I`m so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off a steers ball`s , I`ll have a pitcher of whatever you have on tap!
From back in the corner, you hear. . . Moo Moo Buckaroo
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Grinder
Active member
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course,
his car is weaving all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the Irishman, "where
have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub, of course," slurs the Irishman. "Well," says the cop, "it looks
like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did, alright," the Irishman says with a smile. "Did
you know," says the cop, folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the Irishman. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
his car is weaving all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the Irishman, "where
have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub, of course," slurs the Irishman. "Well," says the cop, "it looks
like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did, alright," the Irishman says with a smile. "Did
you know," says the cop, folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the Irishman. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
Handjobs: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
Handjobs: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
Grinder
Active member
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
Grinder
Active member
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, Josh, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now." "Well, okay,” the bartender replied, “But what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" "We were in another battle,” the pirate explained. “I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook, but I'm fine, really." “What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You can lose an eye just from bird shit?" “It was my first day with the hook."
Just found out his wife was a relative before he married her.
For the women who eat @ the "Y" and of course any "Rocket men" !
If California has the "Big One" the lesbians will be out lickety-split, whilst the gay men will still be packin there shit!
On a condom machine, someone wrote "The Best for Packing Fudge" !
What did the Texan say to the guy who said : Moo Moo Buckaroo ?
May I push your stool in !
If California has the "Big One" the lesbians will be out lickety-split, whilst the gay men will still be packin there shit!
On a condom machine, someone wrote "The Best for Packing Fudge" !
What did the Texan say to the guy who said : Moo Moo Buckaroo ?
May I push your stool in !
Last edited:
Grinder
Active member
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident, and find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: Could we possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
While waiting, they began to wonder: Could we possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"